Quite possibly the most cynical beginner's guide ever

So, you want to play League of Legends?
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY CAME TO THE WRONG PLACE. This guide isn't a guide for beginners. I lied.
It's a guide by a beginner, a wreck of a human being I once was.
Let's start from the beginning.
So, your friend (citation needed) wants you to play this great game called LEAGUE OF LEGENDS (in an overly melodramatic accent). He's said great things about it, such as but not limited to:

• It cured my cancer
• Now that I play this game, dermatologists hate me
• It adds to my daily list of things I look at
• something something something DOTA is better something something

You're gonna play this game, and you're determined to be the best at it. Let's begin your journey
once you've finished downloading 32432423423gb of bull****.
what? you skipped the tutorial?

nvm it's kay. You're going to queue for a normal game, just like we English people do for everything. After maybe 5 seconds of waiting, you get a "match found" notification. THIS IS THE DIFFICULT BIT WHERE YOU PRESS YES; IF YOU PRESS NO OR DON'T PRESS ANYTHING I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN

Now you're into champion select. There are probably about a trillion of them. Pick the one which looks the coolest. Press the lock in button.
By now, you've probably noticed the fact that your teammates are debating intensely about who's bot and mid and top and wtf. To someone who didn't know you were teammates, it might look as if you were fighting. But teammates never fight, do they? now you're in game. now you can buy some items!!!111one!1112``
This game wants you to succeed, so it's carefully chosen some great items based on your champion (citation needed) which you can buy.

There are three lanes. Pick one. Perhaps, if you're lucky enough, someone on your team will ask you what the **** you're doing, your reasons for believing you can be in a game with them, perhaps your reasons for believing you should exist at all.

Now pick another lane. When you reach your outer turret (or tower???????//? O_O ), stop running. If you go any further somebody is probably going to kill you.

20-30 MINUTES LATER
You probably lost the game, and if you won it was some guy who went 200/0/1 single-handedly winning the game for you.

I'LL FINISH THIS WHEN I CAN BE BOTHERED^{citation needed}